men threaten women on the internet with things that men actually do to women on a daily basis in real life CONSTANTLY
but as soon as we’re like “hey, stop treating us like objects in movies and on TV and in video games and in real life honestly” we are the worst bitches in the entire fucking world and deserve to get threats and be stalked and whatever else young entitled white men do to women who challenge their entitlement.
How do you feel about misandry being used as a therapeutic device?from Anonymous
Until women have any systematic power over men, I will never condemn “misandry” for fun, therapy, or (most commonly) survival.
When you can’t walk into a shop without the male greeter ogling your chest so much he forgets to listen to what you’re saying and you have to repeat yourself twice (a real thing that happened to me today, UGH), it can make you feel a whole helluva lot better to hate men.
How do you feel about the idea that males shouldn't identify as "feminists" (but rather "feminist allies"), b/c feminism should be a movement by women for women? (I'm sure you're familiar with it, but just in case - these ppl are worried that men tend to speak over women and it's better that men go take other areas and make them feminist, rather than invade feminist spaces.)from skeptikhaleesi
(continued) I’m actually undecided myself, but I can’t help side-eyeing any dude who hears about this and still decides to identify as feminist instead of an ally (given that it’s not like it’s a huge switch to make anyway, you’re just changing what you label yourself). Like, if there are women who have a problem with guys calling themselves feminists, shouldn’t those guys respect that instead of basically saying “Well *I* get to decide something about a movement which is basically about YOU”?
(continued again sry jeez) Like, I get that patriarchy hurts men too, but no doubt it hurts women more, so shouldn’t women still have the final say on feminist issues? Like I said I’m still undecided on the issue, I was just wondering your take on it. :)
This has been sitting in my inbox for almost a week, and I’ve honestly had a hard time answering it.
Personally, I don’t mind if men call themselves feminists as long as they:
That’s my personal checklist for male feminists, the key idea being they understand that while feminism is beneficial for everyone, it is a movement for, about, and created by women.
From what I’ve seen, the frustration with men calling themselves feminists is that many “male feminists” DO NOT understand the above points. A lot of women in the movement are fed up with “male feminists” who talk over them, who tell them their experiences are invalid or unimportant, who want an award for treating women like people. And since that happens pretty much constantly, I completely understand why a lot of women prefer men to just identify as “feminist allies.” I just don’t happen to be one of them.
However, since there are plenty of women who feel this way, I think it’s probably the most respectful thing for men to identify as feminist allies. I’m not personally going to call a guy out on it (because it isn’t as though he’s reclaiming or abusing a gendered slur) as long as he’s adhering to the points I made above, but I probably would comment that he should be ready and willing to listen to women who think calling himself a feminist is inappropriate. If he’s really an ally to the movement (and to women), that won’t be a problem for him.
Would it make someone a bad feminist, to sleep with someone she knows has a girlfriend? Like, I understand that its morally wrong, but is it specifically anti-feminist to do so? Is there an obligation, as a feminist to resist, if the girlfriend is someone she doesn't know, doesn't consider a friend, or have any relationship with? And if HE is pursuing you? I admire your insight on pretty much everything, please answer.
Do I think it would make them a bad feminist? No.
Do I think it is necessarily the right thing to do? No. But you said you know that.
Being a feminist doesn’t mean you have somehow more of a responsibility not to ever make questionable or poor personal choices. You (or whoever you might be talking about) shouldn’t be held to some kind of higher moral code than other people just because you’re a feminist. In most cases, I feel like such decisions should not negate one’s activist - and specifically feminist - efforts.
Some, to use your language, “morally wrong” choices are worse than others. Some choices would in fact make you a less credible feminist (actively and knowingly engaging in girl hate, slut-shaming, and the like), and some of them (like shoplifting or lying, perhaps), while making you somewhat morally corrupt, should not affect the validity of your feminist acts/attitudes.
If he is pursuing you, obviously he’s being shitty to his girlfriend, and it’s probably not a bad idea to tell him so. And that’s not to say you’d be blameless, but again, you already know that.
Basically: It’s a shitty thing to do, but it wouldn’t make you a “bad feminist.”
One thing I’ve trained myself to notice more often in the past year is the loudness of a man’s voice when you (a woman) are debating or arguing with him. In most cases, when you disagree with him or he feels challenged, his voice gets louder and louder as he tries to reassert his opinions, sometimes interrupting or trying to talk over you.
And a lot of people, when I mention this, play the devil’s advocate and insist that all people do this naturally when trying to get their point across or prove themselves right. They tell me I’m too sensitive, that I’m just trying to demonize men for my “feminist agenda.”
But if you’re a woman (especially one without a deeper voice), you probably don’t subconsciously do this while arguing, especially with men. I know I don’t. Because when women get loud, especially in passioned, emotional ways, we are not more likely to be listened to. We are called hysterical or shrill, told to calm down, regarded as “bitches,” and our words are disregarded. I know that when I argue with men, I go out of my way to keep my voice even and calm even when my blood is boiling. Even when their voices escalate, even when I’ve been talked over for the fifth time. Because otherwise, I will be discredited for using the same tactics that are being used against me.
That’s without mentioning the fear so many women have of shouting, loud men. An overwhelming amount of violence women face is from men, and when they become loud or belligerent, we don’t know what to expect, and many of us fear the worst. Because to be weary is to be concerned with our survival.
A shouting man may not realize that he is forcing any woman with which he argues into a battle to subdue her own emotions while flaunting the systematic power he holds over her, but he is. And if you don’t think that’s a mechanism of the patriarchy and its silencing of women, you need to open your eyes.
My heart is bursting for every feminist in my life right now. I don’t know where I’d be without any of you. <3
let me remind you that we socialize women and girls to be accommodating and sweet and easy to deal with by telling them that those traits make a woman more attractive to men and society in general
and those are precisely the traits that men and society in general take advantage of (either in women who are naturally sweet and accommodating or those who have been conditioned to be that way) to promote a sexist system of power and oppression.
tell me again that we don’t have an organized and socially-ingrained power structure?
I'd like to know, what are your opinions on dress codes in high schools and middle schools? Such as girls having to wear shorts below their finger tips and shirts that cover their cleavage and all of those little regulations.
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous and entirely sexist. The only reasoning I’ve ever heard in support of such rules is either very slut-shaming or out of concern for not distracting boys. And putting aside how awful the idea that women’s/girls’ skin is enough to distract or “ruin” boys, why are we more concerned about the “work environment” of boys’ than that of girls? Isn’t it more distracting for girls to be taken out of class for simply wearing what they like than to have boys have to, god forbid, have to interact with girls with short hemlines?
The first time I blacked out at a party, I was taken to a bedroom for a guy's birthday. He was also really drunk (he was known to be quite the hardcore drinker). I came to here and there (I remember being under him, heavy breathing, clothes being removed, and at the end him deciding not to finish and me just sitting against he wall) and woke up the next morning feeling like I'd had sex - irriation and pain in my vaginal area signaled me that what had happened wasn't just a dream. I'm still
[cont.] sure what happened but I don’t blame him, at this point. I can’t stand to be near him anymore but I don’t want him to think I hate him. I just hate what I associate him with. In the same way, I can’t stand to smell or drink vodka anymore because of that night. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this but I felt it was somewhat relevant to the last ask and I just felt like getting it off my chest.
(tw: rape)
Sometimes it feels really good to talk about it, or just share your story. Not that sharing is always best for each person, but I still think it’s really brave that you told me and I want you to know that if you ever want to talk off anon, I’ll be here (and I would never publish anything if you didn’t want me to).
I think the most important thing I can tell you is that nobody can tell you how to feel or act about what happened. If you feel like he violated you, it probably was rape. But your choice of how to treat him or respond to/think about what happened is all your own and you should never feel bad about it. I just hope you know that it wasn’t your fault and that if you decide to hate him, forgive him, avoid him, or forget him, your choice is valid and okay. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are meaningful and important and I promise that you’re worth the effort of healing. <3
